The Middling Jotter of Desultory

Random is just what we are and then some.

Reading is Foon!

This is the page where all the written stuff goes. Articles, poems, short stories, plays, and reviews all go here. You can post up to 2 pictures with your work and they will have to be OK'ed by a staff member. Feel free to submit anything pg13 at ayrgitar@yahoo.com

Roses of Reality (By KD)

The golden sun rays float through the window as a maid pulled back the curtains and tied them back. Another older maid went over to the canopy bed and pulls back the the bed curtains to address her Mistress. "Lady Maurelington, it is time to wake up now." The young woman burrowed her face into her silk pillow. "Mmmm..." The old maid chuckled as she uncovered her Mistress. "Ready for your breakfast?" Catherine Maurelington let out a small yawn and rubbed the sleep from her eyes. "Yes, Winifred. What am I having?" "Two soft boiled eggs, toast with blueberry or strawberry jam, sliced apple with pineapple, sausages, and milk." Catherine nodded sleepily as she slung her feet over the side of her bed. "Sounds fine. I am in the mood for rose hip tea with honey. If you would serve me in my private library that would be nice." Winifred curtsied before making her exit. A few young maids went to caring for Lady Catherine. She sat in front of a fireplace to stay warm as one girl brushed her hair and the other holding up dresses for Catherine to choose from. "The cream dress with the maroon roses and the front ruffles looks nice for today. Thank you Emiline." Lady Catherine was twenty two years old and was the sole owner of Cole Brook Manor. A decent size estate along side the river in Erith. A short carriage ride to the library and close to her friend Agatha who lived in Wharf Side Mansion. After her two maids dressed her she made her way to her library. There on a small table in front of her deep red satin couch was her breakfast spread. She settled down on the couch situating her the skirt of her dress. She sipped on her tea for a moment then went about to eating her breakfast. "Kate. Kate! Hurry up and eat your breakfast! You have to be at the office in five minutes." Kate snapped out of her daydream to see her roommate Agatha rushing around the kitchen. Kate let out a sigh as she shoveled her yogurt into her mouth. She grabbed her things then made a mad dash out the door.

If you want to read more e-mail ayrgitar@yahoo.com

Some British

  • faff- fuss
  • kip- nap
  • blower- telephone
  • moggy- car
  • Ta-ra- goodbye
  • tuck in! - eat up, dig in
  • Strop- bad mood
  • bicky- cookie
  • Ear-biter - frequent borrower
  • poke- paper bag
  • dot&dash- cash
  • chuddy- chewing gum
  • mot- girlfriend
  • mushy peas- keys
  • in bits- confused
  • Uncle Ned- bed
  • tea leaf- thief
  • mardy- (adj) whining and complaining
  • Knacker- to tire, exhaust

"Sorry if I'm an ear-biter but I need some dot&dash. Don't cause a faff becuase I have some bicky's for you."

"You are such a tea leaf! I am knackered and you don't need any dot and dash."

Jokes

Pirate Joke

Once there was a retired pirate so he decides to live with his brother.

The pirate walks up to his brothers house and knocks on the door and his brother answers the door and says, "Oh my gosh , what happened to your hand!?! "

The pirate said, "I lost it in a sword fight , but now I have a hook."

Then the brother said, "What about your leg?"

The pirate said, "A cannonball hit it , but now I have a peg leg ."

Then the brother said, "Well , what about your eye?"

The pirate said, "I got some dust in it ."

The brother said, "How could you lose your eye by just getting some dust in it?"

Then the pirate said, "It was my first day with my hook!"

 

Smart Mom

A mother was walking with her four year old daughter one day when the daughter picked up something off the ground and started to put it into her mouth. The mother stopped her and said she shouldn't do that."Why," asked the little girl."Because it’s dirty. It's been on the ground. You don't know where it's been. It probably has germs." The little girl looked up at her mom with admiration and asked, "How do you know so much?"Thinking quickly, the mother said, "All moms know so much. We have to. It's on the Mommy Test. If you don't know it, you don't get to be a mommy." The little girl pondered this for a few minutes, then her face brightened. "I get it!" she said. "If you don't pass the test, you get to be a daddy!""Yup," said the mom. 

 
Chihuahua 
Two men were walking their dogs together. The first guy with a Chocolate lab and the second a Chihuahua

The first guy says, "Hey, you want to get something to eat?"

The second guy replies, "Yeah, but they all have signs that say 'No Dogs Allowed'."

The first guy with the lab puts sunglasses on and hands the other guy a pair. "Follow my lead," he says.

As he walks into the restaurant a waiter stops him and says, "Sir, no dogs allowed."

The man replies, "It's O.K., this is my seeing eye dog." The waiter apologizes and leads the man to a table as the second man enters.

The same waiter stops him but the guy says, "This is my seeing eye dog. I'm with the other guy."

The waiter replies, "Sir, you can't fool me, you have a Chihuahua."

The man freaks out and says, "A Chihuahua? They gave me a Chihuahua?!"
 
Funny Muffin
So... there are two muffins in the oven

Muffin #1 Says, "Wow! It is really hot in here!"

Muffin #2 Screams, "OH MY GOSH!!!... a talking muffin!!!"

 

Forest Gump and St. Peter

When Forest Gump died, he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, "Welcome, Forest. We've heard a lot about you." He continued, "Unfortunately, it's getting pretty crowded up here and we find that we now have to give people an entrance examination before we let them in."
"Okay," said Forest. "I hope it's not too hard. I've already been through a test. My momma used to say, 'Life is like a final exam. It's hard.' "
"Yes, Forest, I know. But this test is only three questions. Here they are."

1) Which two days of the week begin with the letter 'T'?"

2) How many seconds are in a year?

3) What is God's first name?

"Well, sir," said Forest, "The first one is easy. Which two days of the week begin with the letter 'T'? Today and Tomorrow."
St. Peter looked surprised and said, "Well, that wasn't the answer I was looking for, but you have a point. I give you credit for that answer."
"The next question," said Forest, "How many seconds are in a year? Twelve."
"Twelve?" said St. Peter, surprised and confused.
"Yes, sir. January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd …"
St. Peter interrupted him. "I see what you mean. I'll have to give you credit for that one, too."
"And the last question," said Forest, "What is God's first name? It's Andy."
"Andy?" said St. Peter, in shock. "How did you come up with 'Andy'?"
"I learned it in church. We used to sing about it." Forest broke into song, "Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me, Andy tells me I am His own."
St. Peter opened the gate to heaven and said, "Run, Forest, Run!"
 
LITTLE JOHNNY: A DROP IN THE BUCKET

One day, Little Johnny's grandmother sent him to the water
hole to get some water for cooking dinner.
As he was dipping the bucket in, he saw two big eyes looking back at him. He dropped the bucket and ran back to grandma's house as fast as he could.
"Where's my bucket and my water?" She asked.
"I can't get any water from that water hole, there's a mean ol' alligator down there!"
"Now don't you mind that ol' alligator, Johnny. He's been
there for years, and he's never hurt no one. Why, he's probably as scared of you as you are of him!"
"Well, Grandma," replied Johnny, "if he's as scared of me as
I am of him, then that water ain't fit to drink!"

Blonde Pizza 

This blonde went to the pizza place and ordered a pizza. The pizza guy asked her if she wanted it cut into six pieces or twelve.

“Oh, six,” she said. “I could never eat twelve pieces!"

Weird Facts

Your left hand does 56% of the typing.

All the clocks in PulpFiction are stuck on 4:20.

Almonds are a member of the peach family.

A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.

The average person falls asleep in 7 minutes.

A snail can sleep for 3 years.

Most lipsticks contain fish scales.         (*ick*)

A violin contains about 70 seperate pieces of wood.

Slugs have 4 noses.

Flower Language

Acacia - concealed love

Bluebell - humility

Daffodil - unrequited love

Daisy -  purity

Geranium - stupidity

Magnolia - nobility

Tulip - perfect lover

Orchid - refinement

Petunia - You soothe me

Sweet Pea - departure

Wisteria - adventure & playfulness

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